What You See Is What You Get

So I haven't blogged in ages. I could use the convenient and all-too-common "I'm busy" excuse, but honestly, that's a cop out. I haven't been too busy for wasting time browsing Facebook or Texts From Last Night or other completely mindless things. True, I have been busy (not so much now), but the main reason my posts have ceased up to this point has been based on an internal conflict about the mission of this blog. I enjoy my little bully pulpit to rant about my opinions on science and non-science news items, but the main reason I created this blog was so that my readers - my family, friends, and peers - could connect with a more personal side of me.

"Penn To Paper" is my online diary, if you will. It seems likely that most individuals keeping their innermost thoughts and reflections under the protection of a little padlock and key actually want to share them. I certainly do. Not necessarily because I always have interesting things to say, but because perhaps my readers can individually connect with the things I write.

This connection, however, is diminished when I'm hesitant about how much I give up about myself. I'm not saying that I intend to reveal every single detail about my life, but I have always excessively monitored my behavior and to some extent, my personality depending on whom I'm with at a certain moment. In social psychology terms of Self Monitoring, that makes me a high self-monitor. It's not to say I'm fake, but I like to analyze each social situation and adjust accordingly. And to be honest, being a high self-monitor has some fairly significant drawbacks.

I finally took the time to figure out why I constantly tweak my behavior and personality depending on the situation I'm in. All throughout high school and college, I've felt the need to be liked by all individuals I come into contact with in order to cope with my self-consciousness in several areas. And I'm still doing this in graduate school, but now as I take some time to reflect on it, I have to ask myself why? It's not worth it to change who I am in order to gain some false approval just so I can feel better about myself. I think I'd feel a lot better about myself if I just were the same person all the time.

A big part of doing the above is being more open about myself, so I'm going to mention some things below - some humorous and snarky, some much more serious. In doing so, I hope you can gather a more complete picture of who I am.

-I have extreme Rutgers spirit, to the point where all my Penn friends almost surely find it annoying (and have probably done so for the past month).
-I enjoy watching trashy TV, and I don't plan on stopping anytime soon.
-During elementary school, I can count how many times I had friends over my house on one hand (due to the fact that my parents were divorced and my mom had to work two jobs).
-I tend to rationalize everything (see above item).
-I take all forms of rejection as an opinion of myself, rather than as a reflection of the individual circumstance.
-I have a habit of posting lyrics as my Facebook status; Oftentimes, they are directed towards certain people.
-I feel the only people who really understand me are my mom, dad, and twin brother.

That's a decent sized list detailing some of my thoughts and ideals. Overall, this post has very cathartic and has helped me refocus. Take what you want from it, but I hope this has shown you that there is much more to me than just the energetic redhead you see on a daily basis.